im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
