I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
