I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You are a genius and a whore.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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