I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
