Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
we're so committed to being not committed
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
