Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
