Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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