Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
