so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
