DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
