someone threw a dead crab at me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
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