If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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