Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
