You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
