I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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