You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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