I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
