he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
