your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
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she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
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I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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