Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
