I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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