You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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