dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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