I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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