the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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