New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
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Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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