Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
we made out on top of his cat.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
