dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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