are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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