When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
