Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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