Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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