mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Houston, we have a squirter
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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