I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
40s are totally the cure
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
