A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
