I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
