My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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