I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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