omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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