Your face is a jimmy john
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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