I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
