apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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