new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
