you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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