Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
