walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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