Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there