I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
