i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
