new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
