dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
