you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
