I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
