My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
So vagazzling was a success
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
