Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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