When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
