I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
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