3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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