a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
