He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
